Shadow's of a dark dream
by Natta
Summary: Post IMALL. After recovering from flash, Beka notices she might have lost her friends’ confidence and her world turns dark. Deals with depression as well as other dark themes.
1. Prolouge

Shadow's of a dark dream  
  
By Natta  
  
Summary: Post IMALL. After recovering from flash, Beka notices she might have lost her friends' confidence and her world turns dark. Deals with depression as well as other dark themes.  
  
Disclaimer: I bet the writer's would never do this...I just love torturing people!  
  
Prolouge  
  
"Light." That was the first thing she thought as consciousness came back to her. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to protect them from the awful light that hurt her.  
  
"I suppose I got lucky," she thought, "hell is dark. But I didn't know it was this much light in heaven."  
  
"Rommie, dim lights," she heard a voice she recognized.  
  
"And I most certainly didn't know Dylan Hunt was in heaven," she thought as she opened her eyes. She was lying down and leaning over her was Dylan, Trance and Harper. They all looked very serious. In Dylan's hand was a two- bladed razor, still not cleaned from blood.  
  
"Beka," Dylan said slowly, "why did you do this to yourself?"  
  
"You almost died," Trance added. Beka looked to her side, avoiding their gazes.  
  
"I wish I had," she thought. 


	2. After the flash

Shadow's of a dark dream  
  
By Natta  
  
Summary: Post IMALL. After recovering from flash, Beka notices she might have lost her friends' confidence and her world turns dark. Deals with depression as well as other dark themes.  
  
Beka was walking down the corridors of the Andromeda, sad, tired and lonely. She had had to spend a few days in med bay to recover after the flash incident, but now she could finally get out of there. She felt guilt of course, lots of guilt and she didn't understand why Dylan hadn't thrown her off the ship.  
  
"He's just too damn nice," she thought as she entered the Maru. "He would have wanted to get rid of me, but his morale wouldn't let him. Or maybe he thought the others wouldn't co-operate with him if he threw me off." She snorted. "As if that is gonna happen," she said loudly to herself. They had been visiting her, all of them, but they had been different when they were. None of them had been their usual cheerful selves, (except for Tyr who was never cheerful) and they didn't really seem to know how to behave around her.  
  
"Well," she thought, "they don't trust me anymore. Which isn't that weird at all, after...what I did. Oh well, I'll be fine without them, I can take care of myself," she tried to convince herself. "I can...I can..." Then she fell down on the bed, hysterically crying and wrecking in sobs.  
  
****  
  
Even though Dylan had given her a few days off, she still showed up at Command, taking her usual station, first trying a cheerful good morning even though she still felt really bad. Everyone looked at her as she stood there and after a while she looked up.  
  
"What?" she said at all the weird looks. Dylan walked up to her, standing close and speaking in a low voice.  
  
"Beka," he said, "you're supposed to be resting. Recovering." She took a step back and gave him an uncertain smile.  
  
"I feel recovered enough." Dylan sighed and shook his head.  
  
"Go to bed Beka," he said, "you're back on duty when I deem you fit, understand?" Beka's eyes went wide and she turned on her heel, not wanting the others to see the tears that were quickly running down her cheeks.  
  
"I'm not going back to bed," she thought, "I've already slept for over twelve hours." Her steps led her to the obs deck where she sat down on a chair and stared out at the stars. She soon became restless of not doing anything, a bit like when she was on the flash, but this time was different. Suddenly the doors opened and Harper entered. He flinched when he saw her and a sad feeling came over her.  
  
"Hi," she said softly and he gave her a strained smile. She wanted to apologize for what she had said to him, but she found it extremely hard to talk about. She just couldn't make the words come out of her mouth, it hurt too much.  
  
"Hi," Harper answered quickly. "Weren't you supposed to be in bed?" Beka shrugged.  
  
"I just...I don't know, I've slept for so long, I just feel like doing something. All this time not doing anything, it just makes it come back to me. I wanna have other stuff on my mind, see what I mean?" He nodded quickly.  
  
"Yeah, I do. Look, I got to go now but I'll talk to ya later, ok?" She nodded as he rushed out of the room.  
  
"Now what do I do?" she thought. "Maybe I could go to the gym for some work- out."  
  
Not much to her surprise, Tyr was there working out. He gave her a glance over his shoulder and turned to face her.  
  
"I thought Captain Hunt specifically ordered you to bed." Beka shrugged, irritated with all this talk about bed.  
  
"I don't want to go to bed. I want to do something, distract my mind." She took up some weights and started to furiously lift at them. Tyr walked up to her and took them away. She started snatching at them but he kept them out of her reach.  
  
"Come on," he said softly, "we're going to get you to bed."  
  
"No!" she said, a little too loud. "No...no..." she fell to her knees and started to cry again. Tyr sat down and took her on his lap, rocking her gently. When her sobs had subsided, he gently lifted her up. This time she didn't protest, but let him carry her to her quarters and putting her between the covers. Sleep overtook her quickly and soon the room was quiet again.  
  
****  
  
Beka woke up several hours later and felt much more rested. "Rommie, lights," she yawned and sat up in bed. The lights were on and Beka got out of bed, heading for the shower. Before she turned it on, a flash went through her and she let out a pained sound before she hit the floor, curling up in a little ball.  
  
The cravings for flash had returned and she hugged herself tightly, trying to rip her skin off in pain. She knew all the stuff you needed for making flash had been removed from her quarters so all she could do was to lie there and cry softly. And that was how Trance found her one hour later.  
  
~TBC~  
  
PurpleEnigma: YAY, this is so cool! You gotta get the rest up Natta, the ppl have to read it, cos it ROX!  
  
Natta: Thank you! You are my bestest friend in the whole world (not to mention my first reviewer)  
  
Ccabello: Good start. Write more soon.  
  
Natta: Thanx  
  
MaryRose: O! Beka angst. Lovely. Hope there's lot's of it. Yes I am a very twisted individual. More. And longer chapters.  
  
Natta: That was a prolouge so the other chaps are longer, lol  
  
Iara: This is fantastic! What's going to happen next?  
  
Natta: Hey, I'm not telling ya! 


	3. They really hate me now

Shadow's of a dark dream  
  
By Natta  
  
Summary: Post IMALL. After recovering from flash, Beka notices she might have lost her friends' confidence and her world turns dark. Deals with depression as well as other dark themes.  
  
Beka woke up again with a throbbing headache and reluctantly opened her eyes. Trance was standing with her back against Beka, obviously working on something.  
  
"Trance?" The purple girl jumped and turned around, a nervous smile on her face.  
  
"Yeah, are you ok?" She approached Beka carefully, never stopping to smile and sat down on her bed.  
  
"Well, I guess that you weren't as recovered as we thought you were," Trance said and stroked her hair. "I mean that you still suffer from the withdrawal." She rose again and went back to whatever she had been doing.  
  
"Trance?" She turned around. "Does this mean I have to stay here?" She smiled nervously again.  
  
"You should, it's better for you if you do." She turned around again.  
  
"Tell me what is going on," Beka said, "I'm not made of glass you know." Trance pretended she didn't hear.  
  
"Yes Beka," she said very quietly so she wouldn't hear, "we all are sometimes."  
  
****  
  
Beka had been awake for a while, maybe two hours and then fallen asleep again, probably more from boredom than tiredness. Trance had walked away to Hydroponics to see to her plants, and med bay was quiet. Suddenly the doors opened and Harper came in. He looked around him and saw Beka on the bed. He walked up to her, watching her as she slept.  
  
"God Beka," he said quietly, "what a mess, huh?" She just kept sleeping peacefully and Harper felt a lump in his throat. He loved her so much, she had saved him from Earth, being there for him although she didn't have to. She was the first who had really cared for him, been nice to him. And now...he couldn't help it but he felt differently about her now. When she had been on flash, she had been so different, not like the Beka he knew. She had said horrible things that had hurt him, even if he knew it was the flash talking. And how would he know she wouldn't do it again? He still loved her, and didn't want their friendship ruined but it seemed like they were drifting apart and he hated the thought of it being his fault too. Surely, she had been the one taking the flash and saying all those things, but maybe he should be more forgiving. Try to forget it. But he couldn't. Every time he saw her it just kept coming back in his mind.  
  
[I/]"...so help me I will throw you back on the trash heap where I found you."[I]  
  
It wasn't that he thought she'd actually do it. He knew she wouldn't. But yet, just threatening to. She had been the one sitting with him through those nights with nightmares, hardly sleeping at all because she wanted him to feel safe, hugging him, being the first person ever to care about him. He felt a tear running down his cheek when he noticed himself straying off the subject just to contemplate how much he loved her.  
  
The point was, she knew what a hell his life had been there. And yet she said it. And yes, he knew it was the flash. He knew she didn't mean it.  
  
But she had said it.  
  
Harper turned and left the room, not looking back as tears found their way down his cheeks. He didn't dry them away.  
  
Beka woke up just the moment the doors had closed behind him. She felt the still lingering smell in the air that she knew to be Harper. "He was here," she thought. She rose from the bed and exited the room.  
  
"Harper!" she called as she saw him walking away from her. The engineer turned around with a nervous smile.  
  
"Hi Beka. Um...did Trance let you out already?" he said, trying to act surprised. Beka's heart sank. So he hadn't been there after all. She had had the little hope that he would have been visiting her. But so he hadn't.  
  
"Well, no," Beka said, wriggling her hands. "She's not there now." An awkward silence filled the corridor until Harper nodded toward med bay.  
  
"Maybe you should go back then?" Beka couldn't understand his sudden eagerness to get her to rest, first when he told her to go to bed the night before and now this. Or rather, she could understand. He wanted to get rid of her. She decided to test him.  
  
"Come on, let's go do something fun instead. Last time I checked, you were the one never staying in bed while recovering." Harper's eyes flicked and he managed a nervous smile.  
  
"Actually I have some stuff that needs to be done. I'll catch up with you later okay?" Beka just nodded and then stared after him as he quickly walked away.  
  
She still didn't feel like going back to med bay even though she knew Trance would have a fit when she was gone. (Well, as much of a fit as the calm girl could possibly get) She walked to the Maru instead and slumped down in the pilot's chair. Normally just sitting here made her fall asleep, it was such a safe place for her, but right now she had slept way too much and her mind was filled with Harper. And not only Harper, but also Trance and Dylan. Dylan avoided her and tried to keep her off duty. Trance just seemed a bit nervous around her but she was always nice. Tyr and Rev had been like normal, actually Tyr had been pretty tender and nicer than usual. Rev, well he was always nice. A wayist forgives everything. But...Harper, Trance and Dylan. Even Rommie had been strange, not talking to her since the incident.  
  
They really hated her now, didn't they?  
  
And this was when a thought, a thought of desperation and despair begun to form in her mind. It involved the blue little razor that lay in her make-up box.  
  
But she still wasn't completely sure. 


	4. Tomorrow may be too late

Beka sat in the Maru, staring out at the stars. She wouldn't be on the Andromeda, because the AI popped up now and then, asking if she had eaten something. She hadn't, not for three days now. It wasn't that she wasn't hungry, but everytime she was going to eat she became nauseous and couldn't make herself eat it. She had hurt them all so much, failed them. She didn't deserve food. She deserved to be hungry. She hadn't made any more attempts to talk to anyone, she didn't really feel like being rejected anymore. While she waited for Dylan to say she could go back to duty, she had locked herself away in the Maru. Tyr had been trying to make her get out of there, but with his nietchzean way to say things, he only made it worse.  
  
"I really messed up, didn't I daddy?" she asked out in thin air. Then she put her hands on her face and started to cry again.  
  
****  
  
"I think we have to do something. She's not eating, barely sleeping, not talking to anyone." Harper had collected the other members in the obs deck to discuss what to do. So far, Trance was the only one who seemed to openly agree with him.  
  
"I tried to make her get out, she wouldn't listen to me," Tyr said in his nietchzean calm voice.  
  
"Maybe we should just let her take her time," Dylan said, "that is why I haven't let her go back to duty yet, she still needs to come to terms with what happened so she can easier put it behind her." Harper sighed. He knew Beka didn't work that way, but there was no use saying that to typical high guard Dylan. She would be overwhelmed by guilt, thinking they all hated her. There was no "coming to terms", but she would just go deeper into the guilt the more they left her alone. He knew it was partly his fault it was like this. She had tried to check if they were still okay by trying to talk to him and he had showed her clearly that they weren't. But there was just something, something he couldn't explain.  
  
It locked him up when he was going to talk to her. He just had to run away, to get away from there.  
  
"I agree with Harper," Trance said. "I don't think we should leave her alone." Rommie who had been quiet until now looked up.  
  
"According to her vital signs, she hasn't eaten anything for three days or slept for the same amount of time." Dylan sighed.  
  
"Okay, we wait until tomorrow and then I'll talk to her okay?" Harper sighed but nodded. He could hear how that talk would go. Dylan was probably good with high guard officers, but Beka wasn't like that. He would just tell her to eat and sleep and that they weren't blaming her for what happened. And then.it wouldn't help of course.  
  
No one heard Trance's whispered words.  
  
"Tomorrow.might be too late."  
  
****  
  
Beka breathed hard as she moved to her make-up box. One could've thought she was going to reapply her make-up after crying so hard, but that wasn't what she had in mind.  
  
Since Beka often wore sleeve-less tops she shaved her armpits, although it was something she weren't proud of, didn't go with her un-female surface. In the make-up box she had a blue razor that was very new, still very sharp. Tears surfaced her eyes again as she took up the razor and tested it's coolness against her arm.  
  
"Yeah," she whispered to herself, "I have to do this. It's the best for everyone." She looked out at the stars again before placing the razor against her wrist.  
  
"It's for the best, it's for the best." she kept repeating as a mantra. She looked at her arm, looking out where the best spot for cutting was. She saw the artery and put the blade against it.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered to no one, or everyone, everyone she had ever let down, everyone she let down by doing this. She just couldn't take it anymore.  
  
And she pulled the blade long, about a decimeter before lifting it up and fascinated she watched the blood run down in a very quick pace.  
  
"God, this is a lot of blood," she whispered to herself. She started to feel lightheaded and quickly did the same with the other wrist, getting as much blood from this arm as the other. Soon she was feeling so weak she had to lie down, the razor still in her hand.  
  
And soon, Beka Valentine was lying unconscious on the floor of her ship, dried tears on her cheeks and blood still running from her wrists, with a blue razor cramped in her hand. 


	5. It really happened

"Beka? Beka?" Trance knew something was wrong the moment she stepped on to Maru. It smelled weird and the air was...thick somehow. Everything just felt scary and even though she was afraid to continue, she did.  
  
She knew something would happen to Beka, that's why she had gone there in the first place. That, and to see if she was all right. She had noticed how her friend hadn't eaten or slept, just like Harper had said before, and she knew leaving her alone wasn't the solution, even though it might have seemed that way.  
  
She walked around, calling Beka's name while a pit of fear kept growing in her stomach. When she entered the command deck, she saw Beka lying on the floor, in a pool of blood. She screamed.  
  
"Ok," she thought, "think rationally. I got to stop the blood from leaving her body." So she ran up to Beka, quickly tearing her shirt and wrapping it around her wrists. She then ran off the Maru as quickly as she could.  
  
"Rommie, ask Dylan to come here as soon as possible," she called before running back to the Maru. Carefully wrapping more fabric around her wrists, she saw that the blood had stopped flowing. She was afraid that Beka had cut her arteries though, so she ran out, watching for Dylan to come. She soon saw him walking around the corner with a frown on his face.  
  
"Run Dylan run!" she called and she guessed he saw the look on her face because he looked worried and started running.  
  
"What happened Trance?" he asked quickly.  
  
"Come on Dylan," Trance started running inside the Maru. "Beka has tried to kill herself, I think she's dying!"  
  
"What?!?!" Dylan screamed, but there was no time for response as he ran up to command deck, there stopping to carefully scoop Beka's unconscious body up in his arms. He spotted the razor that fell out of her hand as he lift her up.  
  
"Trance, pick that up," was all he said before turning and running out of the Maru.  
  
****  
  
"Light." That was the first thing she thought as consciousness came back to her. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to protect them from the awful light that hurt her.  
  
"I suppose I got lucky," she thought, "hell is dark. But I didn't know it was this much light in heaven."  
  
"Rommie, dim lights," she heard a voice she recognized.  
  
"And I most certainly didn't know Dylan Hunt was in heaven," she thought as she opened her eyes. She was lying down and leaning over her was Dylan, Trance and Harper. They all looked very serious. In Dylan's hand was a two- bladed razor, still not cleaned from blood.  
  
"Beka," Dylan said slowly, "why did you do this to yourself?"  
  
"You almost died," Trance added. Beka looked to her side, avoiding their gazes.  
  
"I wish I had," she thought.  
  
Harper looked around him.  
  
"Dylan, Trance, would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?" He knew Beka's condition was stabilised now, so it would be safe. He took the razor out of Dylan's hand as he left the room. He sat down on a chair and looked at Beka. She wasn't avoiding his gaze anymore, but tears were forming in her eyes. He held up the razor so she could see the blood that was still glistening in it.  
  
"Look at this Beka," he said. "This small innocent little thing almost killed you. You deliberately took this and sliced your wrists open. Beka...whatever it is, it isn't worth it. I love you and the others on this ship does too. If I lost you...I wouldn't know what to do." He paused knowing what he said was the pure truth. "Beka...remember that time when we went to that drift to find out a group of my childhood friends had died?" At her small nod, he continued. "I wanted to kill myself then. But you talked me out of it, remember? You told me that life sucks, but it can always get better. If you choose to die, you'll never know." He stroke her brow and watched as the tears ran down her pale face.  
  
"Just leave Harper. I want to be alone." He shook his head slowly.  
  
"You know I can't do that Beka," he answered. She looked at him with confusion.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because," he said slowly and calmly, "you just tried to kill yourself and I have to make sure it won't happen again. We don't have to talk if you don't want to, but I'm going to stay here." She quickly turned from him so he wouldn't see how she started to cry, but he noticed anyway since her body was wrecking with sobs.  
  
"There Beka, don't worry. You'll be all right," he soothed her as he lay down next to her, wrapping his arms around her.  
  
Beka snuggled into his touch, enjoying the embracing for a moment.  
  
Even though she knew it was only a lie.  
  
~TBC~ 


	6. Nobody cares

Beka's eyes slowly flickered open, and she flew up when she felt she wasn't alone. It only took her a second to remember what had happened last night, and it filled her with a nauseous feeling. Harper was laying on the cramped medbay bed with a slight bit of drool coming out of his mouth. A pang of affection came over Beka as she saw his innocent sleeping face, but it was quickly replaced with depression.

"He doesn't really care about me," she reminded herself. "He hasn't wanted to talk to me for ages, when I really needed him. Sure, I said some nasty things to him, but it was the flash. He knows that...doesn't he?" She turned around quickly, burying her face in her hands. "I can't believe Trance found me like that," she thought. "How embarrassing. They all know now, how weak I am. As if they didn't already think that after the flash incident. I know what they're all thinking. Pathetic little Beka who can't even cope with the slightest thing." She looked around her. There was noone around, apart from the sleeping Harper.

"Well," she thought sarcastically, "that shows how much they care. When I was on flash they guarded me for ages so I wouldn't take it again, when I try to commit suicide they can't be bothered. I know why. When I was on flash I'd mess things up, nobody else will get hurt if I die."

"So why did they save you? Why didn't they just let you die?" a voice in the back of Beka's head said, but she ignored it. She looked at her wrists. They were wrapped in thick bandages. She rolled her eyes.

"What's the point?" she said to noone in particular. "You don't want me alive, I don't want to be alive. Why save me?" She shook her head and looked back at Harper.

"Well," she said, sarcasm again sneaking it's way into her voice, "I guess Dylan's brilliant guard isn't going to stop me from leaving." She walked up to the doors and was confused when they would open.

"Andromeda," she demanded, "open the doors." The hologram of Andromeda flicked up.

"Why?" she said, "so you can attempt suicide again? I don't think so." Beka rolled her eyes.

"Rommie," she said, "I'm in medbay. If there's anywhere I'm going to find things to kill myself with, It'd be here." Rommie shook her head.

"All sharp things and medicines have been locked up. I think you'll find you're quite safe in there."

"Well," Beka said with a hint of desperation in her voice, "if I wanted to do that, I'd know that, wouldn't I? Doesn't the fact that I don't know it's locked up prove I'm not going to try it again?" Rommie looked uncertain.

"I'm going to send Dylan up to see you. You can discuss it with him."

"No!" Beka called, "not Dylan!" But Andromeda had already disappeared. Beka looked desperately around her. If there was anything she really didn't want, it was to talk to Dylan. She ran up to Harper and shook him.

"Harper! Wake up!" He stirred, then looked up at her.

"Beka?" His eyes fell on her bandages and stayed fixed there. She suddenly felt very self-conscious and hid them behind her back.

"You have to help me." He frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Andromeda's sending Dylan up to talk to me, and I'd really rather not. Could you get Andromeda to open the door for me?" He looked uncomfortable.

"But Beka," he said, "you have to talk to him." She squirmed.

"Yeah I know, and I will," she lied, "just not right now. Please Harper." He looked unsure. "Please Harper," she pleaded, "I promise I won't do anything bad, I just need some time to myself, that's all."

"Ok," he said reluctantly, "come on then." He walked up to the door. "Andromeda, open the doors please." The doors swung open. Beka quickly ran out before he could change his mind.

"Thanks Harper," she said, "I knew you loved me." He nodded uncertainly. Beka set off, but she didn't get any further than around the corner, before she bumped into Dylan.

"Beka," he said in an icy voice, "I thought you were meant to be staying in med bay?" She shifted uncomfortably.

"I just wanted some time to myself before talking to anyone," she said, looking up at him with a pleading look. "Please, can I?" He shook his head.

"Beka, last time we gave you some time on your own you tried to kill yourself. You've proven to me you can't be trusted." The words hit her like gun-shots. Did he really hate her that much? He grabbed her arm and led me back to medbay, where Harper was standing, looking sheepish.

"You," Dylan said, pointing to Harper. "I want a word with you in a minute. Now, please leave." Harper nodded and left. Dylan sat her down on the bed where she'd spent the night. They spent a few moments in silence before he spoke up.

"Why, Beka?" he asked. She squirmed, not knowing what to say.

"I didn't mean to?" she tried, looking up at him hopefully. He shook his head.

"Tell me the truth Beka." She pouted, disappointed.

"I'm not ready to discuss that with you right now. But I do regret it," she said truthfully. He tilted his head.

"As in real regret, or do you just regret you got caught?" Beka bit her lip. She'd been hoping he wouldn't ask that.

"Uh...I regret it, really." He shook his head.

"I'm sorry Beka, but I can't believe you. I can't let you go out on your own either, but you don't have to stay in medbay. I'll escort you to your quarters." She looked at him desperately.

"Can't I go to the Maru?" He shook his head.

"No Beka. It's your quarters or medbay."

"I'll leave you to sort yourself out," Dylan said quietly after he'd dropped her off in her quarters. She immediately started looking around her.

"Erm Beka," he said, "there's no point in looking for any sharp things. They've been removed."

"I wasn't looking for that," She lied, agitated. She couldn't believe the extremes they'd gone to. If she hadn't known the truth it would seem like a proof of...love.

"I'll send Harper to check up on you later. Oh - and I'd like you to think about councelling." She didn't even bother answering him, until the door had nearly closed behind him.

"None of you care about me anyway," she shouted at the closed door.

There was no reply.


	7. Second attempt

Beka couldn't possibly rest. Agitated, she wandered the room, around and around.

"How dare they," she said to herself furiously. "How dare they take control of me like this? I'm my own person, I can make my own choices. It was the same with the flash. It was my choice to take it, and it should have been my choice to go on." In the back of Beka's mind she knew they'd done it for her own good, but she didn't want to recognise this. Andromeda popped up.

"Beka, would you like anything?"

"Yeah," Beka said, "how about a doorkey?" Rommie rolled her eyes.

"Now where have I heard this before?" She disappeared and Beka giggled cynically.

"You wouldn't give it to me then either and look where I ended up?" Rommie popped up again, frowning.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Beka said, "if you'd just have let me get on with it, none of this would have happened." Rommie shook her head.

"No, you're right there. You'd be addicted to flash and probably would have got us all killed. Please Beka, try to see that this is for the best." Beka suddenly felt a lump in her throat. That's why they'd saved her before. They thought she'd get them all killed. But why were they saving her now?

"Just leave please, Rommie." The hologram sighed.

"We're all here for you Beka." Beka didn't want to answer, but inside she was wondering what was in it for them. Rommie disappeared again, and Beka sank down on the sofa.

"Andromeda, privacy mode." The familiar beep of affirmation made Beka feel a lot calmer. At least now she knew nobody could watch her. She looked around her with a weird feeling in her gut. She wanted to prove to them that they couldn't control her. She started roaming around the room.

"Dylan wasn't lying," she said, "they've really removed everything." They'd even removed things like needles and her cutlery knives, things you couldn't do anything with. She angrily buried her nails in her skin and got surprised when she couldn't feel anything.

"Oh my god," she laughed when she saw her nails had been cut. "They're really taking precautions, aren't they?" She looked around her. "Ok, so they've removed everything sharp, but there's other things, isn't there? Ah-hah!" She spotted a jar of painkillers she kept around for headaches or period pains and picked it up. She wasn't sure how many was in there, but there were probably about forty or fifty. She picked up a glass of water and started swallowing them, with a feeling of victory.

About twenty minutes later, her stomach started hurting. Beka was crying by now, with the empty jar in her hand.

"I'm not going to be their burden anymore," she sobbed. "They'll all be happier when I'm gone, and this'll show them they can't stop a Valentine once she's put her mind to something." She suddenly looked up and her eyes widened.

"Hold on," she thought. "Why am I doing this? I'm still young and this'll pass. I don't really want to die. Other people being happier without me isn't a good enough reason." She stood up, tears running down her face.

"Rommie," she said in a weak voice, "could you tell Trance I need to get to medbay?"


	8. Locked up

"So," Dylan said as he sat down with a sigh, "you tried it again then." Beka looked away. Dylan picked up the empty jar from his pocket.

"Overdose? I wish we'd have thought of that." His face softened. "But you did change your mind, didn't you?" She didn't reply. "Why?"

"I realised it wasn't really what I wanted," Beka said in a quiet voice. Dylan frowned.

"What do you mean?" She sobbed quietly.

"I want things to get better. I want the flash cravings to go away. I want everyone to stop hating me. I want everything to be what it used to be like." Dylan's eyes widened.

"Beka, we don't hate you! None of us hate you. If anything, we don't know what to do with ourselves because we love you so much." Beka shook her head.

"That's not true. If that was true you wouldn't have treated me like a stranger, avoided me like the plague. Killing myself seemed like the only option to get away from it all. The life I'm living right now...it's not worth living." Dylan grabbed her shoulders.

"Maybe not, but it will get better Beka. I think you know that, or you'd have gone through with killing yourself. But you didn't." Beka looked away and shook her head.

"I wish I could tell you it'll never happen again," she mumbled, "but I can't." Dylan sighed.

"Well, then you leave me no choice." She looked up at him, distressed.

"What do you mean?" He looked down at his feet.

"Rebekah Valentine, I hereby take you in custody for being a threat to yourself. You will be released to go back to your normal life when I deem you ready to. You'll be staying in med bay for the time being, we'll work out somewhere where you can have some privacy. You'll be having daily counselling sessions with Rommie, which are compulsary, however if you feel you require more that'll be arranged. Trance will see to your needs and you can have as many visitors as you want." He paused. "I'm sorry Beka, but I can't let you go out and attempt suicide again." Her eyes were wide with fury.

"You can't do this! I'm my own person, you have no right to keep me here!" Dylan shook his head.

"Maybe I don't, but until you find an army to stop me, you're staying." He went over to Trance.

"I think Beka's a bit upset now," he whispered, not wanting her to hear. Trance looked up at him.

"I know she can't see that now," she said assuringly, "but it is for the best."


	9. Comfort

"Boss?" Harper strolled into medbay, looking around for his friend. He knew what had happened and was quite aware of the mood Beka would be in. He got no reply, but figured she'd be on the bed that had been sectioned off with a screen. He peeked his head in.

"Go away," she whispered in a small voice. It wasn't the reaction he'd expected. She was laying on the bed, shaking with sobs. His heart melted.

"Oh, Beka," he whispered. He tried to hold her, but kept getting fought off. "Beka, whats wrong?" She sobbed.

"What do you think is wrong? Dylan has decided I have to stay here until he deems me well enough to leave. Why can't he see there's nothing wrong with me?" Harper swallowed.

"Well Beka..." he tried to find the right words, "right now, you are a danger to yourself. You've tried to kill yourself twice." She looked up at him harshly.

"I wish I'd finished through with it the second time. I should never have called Trance." Harper shook his head.

"No Beka, that was a great thing to do. How could you even think about dying when there's so much to live for?" Beka shook her head vividly.

"Why are you trying to convince me to live?" she said, "you don't even like me anymore!" Harper flinched.

"What do you mean?" He was nearly shouting. Beka turned around, facing away from him. He felt her shaking again.

"After the flash thing you never wanted to know me. I'm really sorry for what I said, you know it was the flash talking. Now...I don't know. It seems like everyone hates me." Harper felt a pang of guilt. Was it his fault Beka had done this?

"Beka, I'm so sorry. I just wasn't sure what to say to you. I'll always love you and I'm so sorry for not showing you that." He put his head on her shoulder. "I'm here for you, ok Beka? I know it's hard right now, but it'll get better. We all care about you, we really do." She turned around to face him and buried her face in his chest. He stayed with her until she went to sleep.


	10. Counselling

Beka nervously flicked her knuckle-rings, trying to occupy herself with something else than her fear. She was about to have her compulsary session with Rommie.

"I don't need a counsellour," Beka mumbled to herself, "I'm fine on my own, I don't need this."

"Oh, but I think you do," a voice said from above her. Beka looked up and managed a strained smile.

"Oh, Rommie," she said, trying to stop her voice from trembling. "I didn't see you there." Rommie smiled at her.

"I see," she said, "well, shall we get started?" Beka looked at her.

"No?" she said hopefully. Rommie laughed.

"Well, at least you've still got your sense of humour." She shifted in her seat and put a notepad in her lap. "So, how are you feeling today Beka?" Beka smiled at her.

"I'm just fine, thank you." She flicked and scraped her knucklerings some more, praying Rommie would be happy with that answer. Rommie tilted her head.

"Those are really nice rings, you know." Beka frowned. "I really think you should leave them alone. Wouldn't want to ruin them, would you?" Beka rolled her eyes, but let go of the rings. "So," Rommie continued, "how are you feeling about life, in general?" Beka gave her a fake smile.

"Oh, just fine thank you Rommie. Life is brilliant." Rommie smirked.

"I'm not sure I can believe that Beka. I think you're saying that just so I'll let you out." Beka looked down.

"Won't you?" she asked. Rommie looked serious.

"If I do, what'll happen?" she asked.

"Everything will go back to normal." Rommie shook her head.

"Beka, you know what I'm asking. If I did recommend to Dylan that he let you go, which I doubt he would anyway, would you just try to kill yourself again?" Beka had tears in her eyes.

"Doesn't the fact that I told you about the overdose count for anything?"

"It does," Rommie assured her, "I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. It helps me believe that you're feeling better, and not just pretending so we'll let you go. However, the fact remains that you attempted suicide twice. It's not something I can just forget about." Beka tried to casually wipe her tears away. She didn't want Rommie to see her crying.

"I don't need to talk to you about it," she mumbled. "I didn't talk to anyone when my mum left, I didn't talk to anyone when my dad took flash, I didn't talk to anyone when Rafe left me with a flash-fried dad, I didn't talk to anyone when dad died and left me all alone, and I'm not starting now." Rommie listened with an interested look on her face.

"That's very interesting Beka," she said as she took notes on her pad. Beka frowned.

"What are you doing?" Rommie finished writing and looked up.

"Your childhood can affect your decisions in adult life more than you may think. Now, I know this is a sensitive subject, but I need to ask you; why did you do this?" Beka looked away, biting her lip.

"I'm surprised Dylan didn't tell you already," she mumbled. Rommie looked guilty.

"He did," she admitted, "but I wanted to hear it from you." Beka smirked.

"Well, no point really if you already know, is there?" Rommie sighed.

"I suppose not," she said. "So, you felt that we all hated you?" she said brutally. Beka nodded. Rommie looked at her notes.

"That's interesting," she said, "because what you just told me about your past shows that in your childhood you were abandoned a lot. Did you feel like you were being abandoned all over again?" Beka looked up at her.

"I don't have to answer that Rommie! I might have to sit here with you, but you can't make me talk." Rommie rolled her eyes.

"I'll take that as a yes then," she mumbled, scribbling on her notepad. Beka wanted to scream with frustration.

"Just leave me alone," she sobbed, turning around. "I've coped before and I'll cope again! I don't want to talk to you anymore." Rommie sighed and stood up.

"I suppose we can leave it here for today," she said softly, "I'll see you tomorrow Beka." And she left the room, making a mental note on talking to Dylan about this.


	11. Oh crap

"Dylan, I need to talk to you." Rommie's voice brought Dylan out of his thoughts.

"Yes Rommie?" he attempted to snap back into high-guard stance. Rommie sat down and faced him.

"I had a session with Beka today..." Dylan raised his hand.

"Whoah. Isn't this the whole patient confidentiality thing?" Rommie hesitated.

"Yes, but I think the circumstances are different when her life is in danger. I'm not a real counsellour and I could use any input you'd be able to give." Dylan nodded.

"All right then."

"I think I'm getting to an understanding about it." Dylan raised an eyebrow.

"Rommie, you've only had one session, don't these things take time?" She nodded.

"Yes, but I didn't mean it like that. Beka is far from ok. What I meant is, I think I've got some sort of idea on why she's feeling like this." At Dylan's nod, she continued. "Dylan, she's been abandoned her whole life, and she's never known why. When children don't get explanations as to why bad things happen, they believe it's their fault. When someone repeatedly gets abandoned like that, they start thinking things. That they can't be loved. That the only way people won't run out on them is if they're perfect. That's why Beka thought we all hated her after the flash incident. In her mind, she screwed up, and nobody will care about her if she screws up." Dylan shook his head.

"How can she think this? How can she possibly think we don't care about her." Rommie shrugged.

"You have to understand, this is something that will always be in her mind. The fear of being abandoned. I can't take it away, you can't take it away. All we can do is convince her that we love her. She's the one who has to fight it."

"Harper?" Rommie called. "Harper!" The engineer flinched.

"Um, sorry Rommie," he stuttered, "I wasn't sleeping...I was just resting my eyes!" Rommie raised her eyebrows, and Harper looked at her sheepishly.

"Ok, so I was. I was a bit tired, that's all." Rommie looked worried.

"If you're not feeling well, perhaps you should ask Trance to take a look at you." Harper shifted uncomfortably.

"To tell you the truth, I just haven't been sleeping well lately." He tried to avoid looking at her, as if he was ashamed. Rommie looked at him with a look of understanding.

"Beka?" she asked softly. He nodded. She turned around and walked away. "Me too, Harper," she whispered, "me too."

Harper tried to get back to work, but found he couldn't get anything done. His mind was on other things. He had only been to see Beka once since Dylan confined her to medbay. It had been weeks and he felt awful about it, but he just couldn't get himself to do it. He'd gone over it a million times in his mind, but everytime he was planning to go, he found himself too scared.

"I'm just making it worse for her, aren't I?" he thought and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "She thought we all hated her, and here I am, strengthening that belief." He sighed with self-disgust. "She's done so much for me, and I can't even help her through this." He got up. He had to clear his mind somehow.

Dylan shook his head as the engineer left the room. He knew what Harper was going through, and even though his head screamed no, his heart couldn't deny his request. Harper wanted to go on leave for a while, using one of Andromeda's slipfighters. He couldn't say he was happy about it, Harper had a tendency to get into trouble, and he had enough worrying to do with Beka. However, he knew his young friend needed this time alone desperately. He had only been to visit Beka once, which annoyed Dylan slightly, but he could also understand it. After all, since Dylan himself had confined Beka to medbay he hadn't been to see her. It was just too hard to see her like that. He wanted to pretend everything was fine and Beka was just taking some time off, but he knew it wasn't true.

"Will she ever be ok?" a voice in his mind asked. He tried to shake it off. Of course she'd be fine. She had to be. He shook his head. If this didn't get better...he knew he couldn't keep a mentally ill person aboard the ship. She'd be a burden.

He wanted to smack himself after he thought that.

"What am I meant to do with her then? Put her in the Maru and let her go off? I might as well shoot her myself. Hand her over to some random planet's mental health care? Yeah, I'm sure that'd make everything better. No, I'm keeping her here, no matter what. Maybe I can't keep her in medical forever, but there will be a way. There has to be."

Harper turned off the engines and let himself drift. He sighed. So he'd come here to clear his thoughts, but it didn't seem to help. He looked out through the viewscreen. Nothing but space around him.

"What am I doing here?" he asked himself. "My whole world's been torn apart, and I'm hiding away." He swallowed the lump of guilt in his throat. "All this came so suddenly. I thought I could help, but obviously I can't. Maybe it'd be better for Beka if I just stay away." He knew it wasn't true though, he was just trying to justify his actions. He suddenly felt sick.

"I need to get back," he thought, turning the slipfighter around. "I need to get back to her." He was preparing to enter slipstream, when he spotted a ship blocking his way.

"Oh, crap," he whispered. It was Nietzchean.


	12. Missing

Rommie and Beka had just finished their daily session, and Rommie turned to leave when Beka suddenly called her back.

"Rommie?" she said in a small voice. The avatar turned around to face her.

"Yes Beka?" Beka swallowed, looking embarrassed.

"I was just wondering...um...has Dylan restricted my visitation rights? I only get to see you and Trance now and I don't think that's fair, I've been behaving perfectly and I'd really like to get to see Harper and..." Tears were forming in her eyes. Rommie rushed up to her.

"Shush, shush. Dylan hasn't restricted anything." She could see this wasn't the right thing to say. Beka looked even more distressed.

"But," she said, her lip trembling, "why hasn't he come to see me then?" Rommie bit her lip.

"I don't know Beka," she said. "Harper went away a couple of days ago. We're meeting him tomorrow though, so he'll probably come and see you then."

"A couple of days ago?" Beka cried, "But Rommie, I've been here for nearly a month and he hasn't come to see me!" Rommie didn't know what to do.

"I think he's a bit distressed," she soothed her. "He cares so much about you, you know. He just doesn't know what to do, and that's why he went away. To clear his mind, so he can help you." Beka seemed a bit calmer. "I'll see you tomorrow," Rommie said softly.

Inside a small, dark cell a form was huddling on the floor.

"I should have told them I was coming back today," Harper thought angrily. "Now they won't start looking for me until tomorrow. "Well," he tried to think optimistically, "at least they should be able to find me." The nietzcheans had left the slipfighter, only taking Harper. He guessed they knew he was involved with Dylan.

"Hopefully they'll find the slipfighter and manage to track me down," he thought. "Or maybe they'll contact Dylan anyway, demanding some form of ransom." He looked around him. He'd been there for a few hours now, but nobody had done anything to him. In fact, they'd provided him with food and water so they obviously didn't want to torture him or anything. Harper was very grateful for that. Still, he hated not knowing what was going on.

"They'll save me," he tried to convince himself, "they will."

"Strange," Dylan said, "why isn't he here?" Rommie popped up.

"Dylan!" Rommie called out. "I detect the slipfighter not far from here, but...Harper's not on it!" Dylan's head snapped around.

"What do you mean, he's not on it?!?" Rommie gave him an annoyed gaze.

"Exactly what I said," she stated calmly, "Harper isn't aboard the slipfighter." Dylan shook his head.

"Bring it aboard!"

Dylan and Rommie went into the hangar deck and found the slipfighter quite bashed up.

"It seems he was under attack," Rommie stated. Dylan went aboard and found quite a mess in there.

"Whoever did this, they took Harper with him," he mumbled. "But where?"

"Dylan, there's a recording here." She played it, and Harper showed up on the screen.

"Uh, I really hope you see this," he said, looking over his shoulder. "It's nietzcheans, they're coming for me and I'm not sure what they want. I'm giving you the codes for my dataport, please try to track me. Harper out."

"So, he's been kidnapped?" Rommie nodded.

"It would appear so. What are we going to do?" Dylan sighed.

"We can't risk a fight with the nietzcheans, they are crucial to the commonwealth." Rommie's eyes widened.

"What do you mean, are we just going to do nothing? Dylan, I'm a warship, I'll take them out and we'll save Harper!" Dylan raised his hand.

"The nietzcheans have taken him for a reason. We'll find them, and we'll try diplomacy to get him back. No fighting unless absolutely necessary, all right?" Rommie rolled her eyes.

"What do I tell Beka?" she said sharply. Dylan turned around with a surprised gaze. "She's been asking for him." Dylan sighed.

"Just tell her the truth. Harper's missing, but he will be back. Ok? He will."


	13. Running away

"Harper's been kidnapped?" Beka said with a look of disbelief on her face. Rommie sat down.

"Yes, but don't worry. We'll find him. After all, they didn't take anything apart from him, they're obviously holding him hostage to get something out of Dylan." Beka looked up at her.

"So, are we going after them, attacking them." Rommie hesitated.

"Dylan wants to negotiate."

"Negotiate?!?" Beka spat out, "you don't negotiate with kidnappers!" Rommie tried to look calm.

"Beka, it'll be ok. We'll get him back. Now, we need to get on with the counselling session." Beka was standing up now, agitatedly pacing the room.

"Like hell we are," she cried, "I can't think of myself now Harper's missing." She looked at Rommie desperately. "You have to let me come out and help," she pleaded. Rommie sighed.

"Beka, I can't do that," she said, "but I'm sure we can sort this out." She shook her head.

"No," she said, "you don't understand. He could be tortured, he could be killed! I have to come and help!" Rommie sat her back down.

"No Beka," she said in a calm voice, "you have to stay here. Harper will be fine, we're more than capable of saving him. Dylan will talk to them." Beka jumped back up.

"How can you expect me to just sit here when Harper's in danger? I'm not going to do anything now, am I? I have to help Harper!" Rommie nodded.

"I know Beka," she said. "I know. We're all worried."

"This is ridiculous," Dylan said, "what do you mean you won't negotiate?" The nietzchean leader grinned at him.

"I don't want anything from you," he said. "I want this to serve as an example. We're not going to give him back to you. It'll teach you not to underestimate the Nietzcheans. The viewscreen went blank and Dylan sank back in his chair.

"What do we do?" Rommie asked. Dylan shrugged.

"They must want something, they just want to keep us in suspense. We can't start shooting at them, Harper is probably aboard the ship." Rommie sighed.

"So you suggest we just wait?"

"I think that's the only thing we can do."

Beka was pacing the room again. Trance had been keeping her updated, and apparently the Nietzcheans had no intention of returning Harper. Of course Dylan wasn't going to do anything about it. She sat down, nervously biting her knuckle rings. Harper was like the brother Rafe never was, and even though he hadn't come to visit her, he meant a lot to her. She couldn't possibly just sit there while he was trapped on that Nietzchean ship. She looked over at Trance. The purple girl was deeply involved in one of her plants, oblivious to the world around her. Beka looked around her. Perfect! There was a table not far from her with medical instruments, one of them a sedative. At first Trance had been very careful with medical equipment around Beka, but she'd been on good behaviour lately.

"Not anymore though I'm afraid," she whispered as she sneaked up behind Trance, injecting the sedative in her neck. Trance immediately fell to the floor. "I'm sorry Trance," she said, going up to the door, attempting to override it, "but if you want something done, you have to do it yourself."

"Dylan," Rommie's AI popped up on the viewscreen, "there's an unauthorised launch of the Maru." Dylan stood up.

"Who?" Rommie hesitated.

"It's Beka."


	14. Beka to the rescue

She knew Dylan was hailing her, but ignored it.

"Sorry Dylan," she mumbled, "but I'm not coming back. I have to do this. For Harper." The Nietzchean ship was still around, so it only took her a few minutes to get there. "Now, how to get in," she mumbled. She hadn't really devised a plan yet. She hailed the ship.

"Nietzchean ship, I am here to negotiate. Let me on board." The Nietzchean leader showed up on her screen, grinning.

"I thought we said, no negotiation." Beka tilted her head.

"The Andromeda has far more firepower than your ship, you know that. You don't want to risk a fight." The Nietzhean grinned.

"Ah, but if you blow my ship up, you kill your little friend. You wouldn't want that, would you?" Beka faked a giggle.

"What, Harper? The little mudfoot? Do you really think we care about what happens to him?" The Nietzcheans grin faded.

"So why are you here to negotiate then?" He didn't seem so sure of himself anymore.

"It wouldn't look good on our records, would it," Beka snarled, "if we abandon a crewman, no matter how lowly. However, we might not be left with any choice...that would be tragic, wouldn't it?" The Nietzchean looked agitated.

"Very well, come aboard then," he said. We will be waiting for you in the hangar bay. Beka turned off the comm and grinned.

"And now...we play."

"What the hell is she doing," Dylan mumbled. "How does she think she could possibly take that ship out?"

"Dylan," Rommie said, "they're opening the hangar bay. They're letting the Maru in." Dylan shook his head.

"What is she doing?"

After Beka had managed to locate Harper on the map, she got ready to leave the Maru, but not the way they thought she would. There was another exit, less noticable, and while the Nietzcheans waited for her to come out, she sneaked up on them from behind and shot them all down.

"I wouldn't negotiate with you if you paid me," she snapped. "Now, I'm going to find Harper." She looked at one of the Nietzcheans, a female one.

"I didn't think they brought women aboard their ships," she said to herself. "But this proves an interesting possibility..."

Harper sighed. It felt like years had gone, and no one had come to rescue him. Why? What was happening? Why hadn't they come to rescue him yet? He looked around him. Someone was coming, and the guard looked up towards the stairs.

"Who's there?" he said.

"I've come to take the prisoner," said a familiar voice. Could it be...it sounded like...Beka? She came down the stairs, dressed in what looked like the attire a Nietzchean female would wear. The guard frowned.

"I don't recognise you." Beka gave him an annoyed glance.

"I really don't care," she stated, "I've come to take the prisoner.

"I've heard nothing about this," the guard said, "I'd like to ask the captain..." He was cut off when Beka's boot made contact with his face. He retaliated, but was beaten down again, until he wasn't moving. Beka leant down to check his pulse.

"He'll be fine. Come on Harper, let's get you out of here. We'll have to pretend you're my prisoner. Ok?" Harper swallowed. She'd come for him, even though he hadn't been there for her. His eyes fell on the thick red scars on her wrists, and he fought to drag his eyes away, but he couldn't. She noticed where he was looking and, self-conscious, hid her arms behind her back.

"Harper!" she said, her voice shivering, "we have to go!" Harper dragged himself up, and they were on their way.


	15. Resolutions

Beka quickly piloted The Maru out of the Nietzchean hangar bay. They hadn't yet been discovered, but they were still eager to be on their way. When they were safe inside the Andromeda, Harper walked up to Beka.

"Um, thanks so much for saving me, I owe you one." Beka shook her head.

"You'd have done the same for me," she said. Harper swallowed. Wasn't that exactly what he hadn't done? Maybe he couldn't have saved her, but he didn't even try.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, "I'm so sorry I didn't help you." Beka looked away.

"So, what happened there? Did they hurt you?" Harper shook his head.

"Um, I can't believe Dylan sent you to do this. I thought you were meant to be...um...you know." Beka blushed slightly.

"Oh yeah...well, he didn't really send me as such," she squirmed, "I...sort of...sedated Trance and broke out." Harper was speechless. She'd do that for him? Very un-Harper-like, he leant over and hugged her tight.

"I'm so sorry," he sobbed. "I should have been there for you, but I promise, I will be now, I'll spend all my time with you, when I'm not working that is. Actually, I might refuse to work!" Beka pulled herself away.

"Seamus," she said seriously, "don't overdo it. Just...well it has been a little lonely," she admitted, "and it'd be nice to see someone once in a while." Harper gave her a sympathetic look.

"You really don't want to go back there, do you?" She shook her head.

"No. It's awful," she mumbled. "It's so lonely, and there's nothing to do but think about...everything." Harper sighed. Before he could answer her, the doors opened and Dylan barged in.

"Beka!" he roared, "what did you think you were doing?" Beka looked down and swallowed a lump in her throat. She sank down onto the floor, but didn't see Harper stepping up to Dylan.

"She was saving me!" he cried, "when no one else did! She risked everything for me, so leave her alone!" Beka looked up in disbelief. Dylan wasn't answering, but gave her a soft look.

"I understand. Beka, why did you do it?" She shrugged.

"I had to save him," she said in a small voice, "no offense, but no one else was." Rommie gave her a smile and turned to Dylan.

"As Beka's counsellour, I'd say this shows great improvement. You don't risk your life to save someone who you believe to hate you." She looked at Beka. "Beka answer me honestly. If we let you come out and go back to your duties, will you...you know...again?" Beka shook her head.

"I can't make a promise for certain, but I really don't think so. I won't be fine overnight, but I think I've realised that I'm not as unloved as I thought I was," she looked at Harper, "and that I do matter, and I can do good things. I wouldn't say I'm completely over it but...I'm well on my way."

The End


End file.
